


Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

by velvetjinx



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Shameless Smut, chris is a dentist, sebastian is a priest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:51:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9312320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetjinx/pseuds/velvetjinx
Summary: Father Sebastian is excited about the potential challenges of his new parish on the west coast. But when he meets Chris, one of his parishioners, his whole world gets turned upside down.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I drew pretty heavily on my catholic upbringing for this fic in case you can't tell. 
> 
> Inspired by [this photoshoot](http://velvetjinx.tumblr.com/post/155821759032/bowie28-sebastian-stan-in-vanity-fair) where I thought Sebastian's outfit kind of looked like a priest's? Yeah idk. 
> 
> This wouldn't have been posted if it hadn't been for Ria's reassurances that it didn't suck, so I'm eternally grateful to her as always. <3

Sebastian kisses his stole before draping it around his neck, then puts on the rest of his vestments. From the sacristy he can hear the congregation out front; muffled voices as people settle in the pews ready for Sunday morning mass. 

After offering up a quick prayer asking for the strength to lead his flock, he opens the door and comes upon the altar servers giggling about something. He gives them an indulgently stern look, then smiles. 

"Ready?"

They nod, and traipse out in front of him, ringing the bell to signal that the mass - his last mass at St Joseph's, New York - is beginning. 

When mass ends he's almost surrounded by his congregation, all wishing him well at his new parish. 

"I'm not surprised you've been called to Los Angeles," says Moira, one of the older ladies of the parish. "It's all sin there from what I hear. You'll be ministering to some diseased souls, let me tell you."

"There are sick souls everywhere, Moira," he replies gently, "but you're right, it seems to be easier to stray in certain places. Really they've just got a shortage of priests on the west coast; plus it's summer and I'm about ready for a sun tan."

Moira titters, and Sebastian smiles wanly. Suddenly all he wants to do is get packed and sleep until it's time to get up for his flight. But that would probably count as sloth. 

Finally disentangling himself from his well-wishers with promises that he will stay in touch with the new priest to update him on his progress in LA, he walks out to his house and closes the door firmly behind him.

The flight to LA is long, but not overly arduous. There seem to be a larger than usual contingent of screaming children, but priesthood has taught him nothing if not patience, so he simply puts in his headphones and listens to his music until the seatbelt signs go on again. 

As he steps off the plane he can feel the humidity seep through his black clothes, and takes off his jacket, carrying it over his arm as he collects his suitcase and heads out to arrivals. 

He's met by the bishop, who has insisted on showing him his new parish. From what he understands, his excellency (who insists that Sebastian "Just call me Anthony, for pity's sake, or Bishop Hopkins will do, I don't stand on ceremony!") is very hands on, and likes to get to know all his priests. Bishop Hopkins is a jovial British man, with a great deal of empathy, and apparently is based not too far from Sebastian's own new parish. 

"So if you ever need anything, my boy," Bishop Hopkins says as they navigate through the LA traffic, "never hesitate to ask or come to me about it. Okay?"

"Okay," Sebastian replies, smiling. He's had several mentors in the church since becoming a priest, but he thinks that Bishop Hopkins might be his favourite. 

They arrive at the house at dinner time. Bishop Hopkins has kindly seen to it that his fridge is full, and they dine together before the bishop leaves him to settle in. 

"I'll be back tomorrow morning to show you the church. Mass is meant to be at twelve, but I'm happy to take it if you're still a bit jet lagged."

"I'm sure I'll be fine. Thank you for everything."

"See you tomorrow, Father Sebastian." And with that, the bishop is gone, and Sebastian is left alone in his new home. 

***

Chris whistles to himself as he drives to church on Sunday morning. He goes more out of habit than faith; sure, he believes in God, but he isn't sure that he believes in Catholicism. Still, it's familiar, so he continues to go and try to save his soul. 

As he enters the church there's more of a buzz than usual. He spots his parents and goes to sit next to them, genuflecting before sliding into the pew. 

They greet him quietly, before his mother leans over and murmurs in his ear, "Apparently the new priest has arrived."

That would explain the buzz around the church then. "And what's the verdict so far?"

"Handsome," his mother chuckles. "But a good preacher. We'll see in a few minutes, I suppose."

A few minutes later the bell rings, and Chris stands with the rest of the congregation for the entrance hymn. They're quite near the front of the church, which affords him a good view as the new priest comes out of the sacristy onto the altar and Chris's heart is suddenly in his throat and his palms begin to sweat. 

Handsome? Handsome doesn't even begin to cover it. The new priest is gorgeous: his cheekbones are high and sharp, his hair dark and just long enough to run fingers through, his lips are full and red and pouty, and he looks like sin personified. Chris can't believe he's having these thoughts about a priest, but he can't help it. His voice falters as he sings, and he covers it with a cough. 

He can see his mom looking at him out the corner of his eye to check if he's okay, but he just can't meet her eyes. Can't look at anything but the priest on the altar, about to lead them all in prayer. It's visceral, this reaction, and he's never felt anything like the knot of want that's settled low in his gut. 

_Lust is one of the seven deadly sins,_ he thinks, slightly hysterically, as the hymn ends and they all sit down. The priest, of course, stays standing, and spreads out his hands. 

"It's so nice to see you all here today," he begins, and Chris is pretty much melting from the sound of his voice. "I'm Father Sebastian, and I'm your new priest. I got here on Monday so I've taken some midweek masses, and if just like to say thank you for the welcome I've received so far. You seem like a great congregation, and I look forward to getting to know you all better."

As he speaks, Father Sebastian is looking around the room, and as he looks Chris's way their gazes catch and hold. Chris's breath catches in his throat, and the priest's eyes widen. He pauses, then clears his throat and smiles, and begins to lead them in the penitential act. 

Chris has never meant the words more that he does now, as he chants with the congregation,

_"I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault. In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. And I ask Blessed Mary, ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God."_

_Amen,_ Chris thinks as the mass continues on, praying along when it's required. During the readings he deliberately doesn't look at Father Sebastian, but when the gospel comes around it's kind of inevitable. 

He reads a passage from Matthew in his strong, clear voice, and finishes with the required, "This is the word of the Lord."

"Thanks be to God," Chris replies with the rest of the congregation, then sits, awaiting the priest's sermon. 

Two minutes in and Chris is hard pushed not to let his jaw drop to the floor because this priest can preach. His words are measured and thoughtful, but not as though he's speaking from a script - his words seem to come from the depths of his very soul. 

Chris can see his faith shining through and it makes his chest ache. 

***

Sebastian loses himself in giving his sermon, still trying to control his racing heart. He's had attractive parishioners before so he doesn't understand why the man in the fourth row of pews has affected him like this. 

He's supposed to be stronger that this, supposed to be equipped to overcome his baser desires. He's not supposed to get sweaty-palmed at the sight of a beautiful face and muscled arms filling out a short-sleeved shirt almost obscenely. 

He rounds up the sermon with a chapter-and-verse quotation, something he likes to do, although not too often - he hates the idea of his flock finding his sermons repetitive or monotonous - and then steps down from the pulpit to lead them in the creed. 

_We believe in one holy Catholic and apostolic church_ and he does, truly he does. He'd found his call at a young age and has never doubted that this is where he's meant to be. Never until now. 

_We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins_ and oh, how he is sinning now, in thought if not in deed. 

_We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come, Amen_ and Sebastian can finally sit as one of his congregation comes up to lead the prayer of the faithful. He answers mechanically, "Lord, graciously hear us," after each bidding prayer, mentally giving himself a shake as it nears the time for the offertory. 

He goes through the motions for the next few parts of the service, but then it's time for the sign of peace and oh no. He likes to go down the centre of the pews, shaking hands with whoever is on the outside, but this morning that means shaking hands with that guy. 

He steels himself as he goes down the left hand side, and comes up the right, until he finally reaches him. Sebastian holds out his hand and it's taken in a firm, warm grip as he murmurs, "Peace be with you," and the guy echoes him, his gaze intense. Then Sebastian moves on, but his hand is still tingling and all he can think of is how the guy's eyes were almost completely blue. 

***

Chris is completely shaken, though he's trying not to let it show, and there's still a good bit of the service to go including...shit, including communion. He watches the priest go back to the altar to lead them in prayer and bows his head. 

_Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us_

_Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us_

_Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace._

_Have mercy on me and grant me peace,_ Chris prays, _please don't let me be lusting after a priest, I swear I'll be good, please God, have mercy on me_.

"This is the lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world," Father Sebastian pronounces. "Happy are those who are called to his supper."

Chris's voice shakes as he answers. "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."

Not worthy. Not when he's having these thoughts about a man dedicated to serving God. 

People are starting to line up now for communion and Chris stands and steps out of the pew, gets into line with his parents close behind him. When it's his turn and he kneels at the altar, opening his mouth to receive the host, the priest's fingers brush his lips as they place the host on his tongue, and he...Father Sebastian _gasps_ , just a small noise but Chris hears it and his head flies up. Father Sebastian looks stricken for a moment before he schools his features back into something more bland, but Chris sees it and he wonders. 

He drinks the blood of Christ from an ornate chalice but the transubstantiated wine slides down his throat unheeded, his mind still on the expression on the priest's face. He returns to his seat and kneels and prays for strength and goodness and to be better.

The rest of the service goes by in a blur and after the final hymn Chris escapes outside into the fresh air, taking deep gulps as though it can somehow help. He leans on the railings by the steps, and it's here his parents find him a few minutes later. His mom swats at him and tells him to stop slouching, oblivious to his internal conflict, then says,

"Oh, by the way, I want you over for dinner Wednesday."

"Oh?" he asks distractedly. 

"I've invited Father Sebastian around for dinner to get to know him and you'd better be there, Christopher Robert Evans, and on your best behaviour."

Chris swallows heavily. "Sure," he says, forcing a smile, and his mother looks at him with concern. 

"You okay, Chris? You look a little pale."

"Headache," he replies quickly, and his mother lays her hand on his forehead. 

"Hmm, you are a little warm. You can skip Sunday dinner with us and just go home and sleep if you'd prefer."

He would indeed prefer. "Thanks, mom. I think I'll do that."

"Okay." His mom kisses him on the cheek. "Drive safe. Love you."

"Love you too, mom," he manages, and leaves quickly. 

***

Sebastian somehow gets through an hour of socializing with his new parishioners before the last one finally leaves and he can go back to his home and take stock. 

He sits in his new living room, coffee in hand, and stares into the bitter black liquid as though it holds any of the answers. 

He knows that according to the church his desires make him a deviant. An abomination. And God help him, he's tried. It's not why he became a priest, not really, but in a way it is. This particular demon has been chasing him all his life. He'd just hoped that his faith had given him the head start he needed to escape. 

He takes a sip of the coffee and the heat of it burns its way down his throat, helping him focus. It's too much for him to bear alone, but he can't burden anyone with this particular cross right now. It's too raw, too open a wound in his faith; he'll ask for penance when it's healed enough for him to examine it. 

He jumps when his phone rings, his heart hammering as he answers. 

"Hello?" 

"Father Sebastian? It's Anthony."

"Hello, Bishop Hopkins, it's good to hear from you." And it is - the older man's voice is a comfort, a port in stormy seas. 

"Just wanted to hear how your first Sunday service went, my boy."

"It went well," Sebastian replies, hoping this doesn't count as a lie. It had, in many ways, his own personal crisis notwithstanding. "And I've had a couple of parishioners invite me to dinner already."

"That's good. I remember their last priest telling me that they were a friendly bunch. He's at a parish in Las Vegas now, though he says he misses Pasadena. So what are your plans for this evening?"

Sebastian shrugs, although he knows the bishop can't see him. "I have a few books I wanted to get through - one of them is a history of Catholicism in England from the fifteen hundreds to the early twentieth century. There's an entire chapter on the Jesuit order that I think will be of particular interest."

"Do you only ever read religious books?" The bishop sounds amused, and Sebastian thinks guiltily of the Stephen Kings and assorted crime thrillers that he keeps in a box under his bed. 

"Not...exclusively," is all he says, and the bishop laughs. 

"Glad to hear it. Though we are men of the cloth we're still human. Sometimes it's good to just read something pulpy. I confess to being partial to Jack Higgins. I highly recommend him if you find yourself at a loose end."

Sebastian suppresses a grin. "I'll take that under advisement."

"Well, I won't take up any more of your afternoon, but I'm only a phone call away if you need to talk about anything."

"Thank you," Sebastian says, and means it. One day he might even talk to the bishop about his problem. But for now...

Sebastian takes his coffee into the study and takes down the book he'd mentioned to the bishop, and before long is so engrossed in tales of his religion from days gone by that he can almost forget blue eyes and a wide smile.

***

Chris isn't sure how he gets through Monday and Tuesday, patient after patient trooping through his surgery. Fillings, root canals, extractions - all in a day's work, but Chris is so keyed up about Wednesday's dinner that he has to really make himself focus or he's going to end up drilling the wrong tooth. 

By Wednesday afternoon he's a wreck inside, though he's pretty sure he's hiding it well. His hygienist, Jeremy, keeps giving him funny looks, however. They've worked together long enough that they're pretty close, and Chris should have known that Jeremy would be able to tell that something is up. 

"So come on, spill," Jeremy says when they stop for lunch. 

Chris rolls his eyes. "Spill what?"

"Oh come on," Jeremy scoffs. "There's clearly something going on with you. You've been weird all week."

"It's nothing," Chris shrugs. "Just not been sleeping well."

"Okay, yeah, fine. Don't tell me. But I'm here if you need to talk, man. You know that, right?" Chris smiles, but then Jeremy has to spoil it by adding, "I mean, no homo."

Chris laughs and pushes his shoulder. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

"I mean, if there was anyone I was going to go homo for it would be you, with that beard of yours and those big blue eyes, but I'm sorry, Evans, you can't have my ass."

Chris is laughing so hard he can barely breath. "Just as well I don't want your ass," he chokes, and Jeremy gives him a look. 

"Please. I know you desperately want me. You think I can't feel all the sexual tension while we work?"

Chris is wheezing now. "Stop, oh my god stop or I'm going to die," he manages, and Jeremy grins. 

"See? That's better. Now quit being so emo and pass me a cookie."

Jeremy's little stunt has made Chris feel better, but when he leaves for the night to get changed before heading to his parents' the nerves return. 

_Just...get it over with quickly,_ he thinks to himself. _Just like ripping off a band aid._ But by the time he reaches his parents' he's wiping his damp palms on his black pants and hoping that he'd just dreamed up how hot Father Sebastian is. 

His mom answers the door when he knocks, and gives him a hug. "You're late!" she scolds him, and he looks at his watch. 

"I'm sorry, mom, I guess I took longer to get ready than I thought. My head's not in the game tonight," he says, smiling wanly, and of course she takes pity on him, giving him another hug before leading him by the arm through to the living room. 

Father Sebastian is sitting with his back to the door, talking to Chris's dad, and as Chris enters the room the priest laughs, head thrown back, and Chris's breath catches because he's not attractive. He's fucking beautiful, is what he is, and Chris is caught. 

"Chris! This is Father Sebastian. Father Sebastian, this is our oldest son, Chris."

Father Sebastian turns to him, his gaze giving nothing away as he holds out his hand. "Nice to meet you, Chris," he says, his voice as gorgeous as Chris remembers, and Chris reaches out on autopilot to shake his hand. 

"Nice to meet you too, Father."

Father Sebastian nods, then glances towards Chris's dad. "Your dad was just telling me that you followed him into the family dental practice?" 

Chris smiles. "Yeah. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so I thought I'd study dentistry until I figured it out. That was about sixteen years ago."

"And you've loved every minute of it," his dad laughs. 

"I don't know, maybe not every minute," Chris says with a grin. 

"So, Father, where did you come here from?" Chris's dad asks, and the priest relaxes back slightly into the sofa as Chris takes a seat on one of the other chairs. 

"I came from New York, where I've lived most of my life."

"Only most of it?"

"Uh, yeah. I was actually born in Romania, then lived in Austria for four years when I was eight and moved to New York when I was twelve. It was kind of a culture shock. I was so desperate to fit in but I had this accent and I was kind of scrawny and geeky."

"Did you always want to be a priest?" Chris asks, unable to help himself, and Father Sebastian gives him an unreadable look. 

"No, when I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. But then when I was in middle school I was coming home and there was a sudden snow storm, so I ran into this big church. They were having mass and I sat in the back and watched. I knew then that this was what I wanted to do."

Chris feels a clenching in his chest, and he knows that this feeling will only lead to him getting his heart broken because this amazing man sitting in his parents living room is genuinely a man of God. Chris knows it but he still just wants. 

Just as he feels like he might burst, his mom comes in and announces dinner, and Chris leads the way through to the dining room, thankful for the distraction. 

***

Sebastian has given a lot of thought to hell. What it would be like, what it would take to be sent there. He's a priest; really it's only natural. 

He's heard the phrase "hell on earth" but never truly knew what it meant until this moment. He's sitting opposite Chris - and of course this first parishioner dinner invitation is to the parents of the man who had shaken him so on Sunday - and he's trying not to stare. Chris is smiling at something his mom said and as he turns he catches Sebastian's eye, and Sebastian flushes and looks down at his plate. 

The conversation, however, is flowing pretty freely, so it's not too uncomfortable an evening. And the damnedest thing is, Chris is _nice_. He's the kind of guy Sebastian would want as a friend if he wasn't considering breaking his vows for him. 

The evening is over far too quickly and not quickly enough, and eventually Sebastian tells them that he has to go and prepare for the following day's mass and stands up. 

"You driving back?" Robert asks, and Sebastian shakes his head. 

"Nah, I walked. Exercise is good for the soul," he laughs. 

"I'll give you a ride home if you want," Chris offers, not meeting Sebastian's gaze. Sebastian is about to decline when Robert smiles. 

"Good boy, Chris. Please take him up on it, Father. It's too far to walk at this time of night."

Sebastian hesitates for a moment, then nods reluctantly. "Thanks, Chris," he says quietly, but Chris just nods and gets up, kissing his mom on the cheek and shaking his dad's hand. 

"See you bright and early tomorrow, dad," he says, and Sebastian shakes hands with both Robert and Lisa and follows Chris out the door. 

He climbs into the passenger seat of Chris's car and puts on his seatbelt as Chris pulls out of his parents' driveway. They sit in awkward silence for the first few minutes, before Sebastian says, for the purposes of breaking the tension more than anything else, "So, uh. Thanks for giving me a ride home."

"No problem, Father. I'd rather do that than have you walk all that way at this time of the evening."

Chris shoots him a small smile, and Sebastian's lips quirk. 

"So I hear there's a game on TV this weekend."

"Oh you heard that, did you?"

"Mhm." Sebastian pauses, then says nervously in a rush, "You could come over and watch it with me, if you wanted. I hate watching sports alone."

"Why me?"

Sebastian laughs, his voice a little brittle. "I don't really know anyone round here, and you seem like a nice guy. I thought, maybe..." He trails off, unsure how to finish his sentence, but Chris saves him from having to. 

"Sure. I'd like that. What time should I come over?"

"Game starts at two, so say one thirty?"

"Should I bring beer? Do you drink beer?"

"I do drink beer," Sebastian laughs, "but only good beer. So you'd better come through with the goods."

"Awesome." They pull up outside Sebastian's house, and he gets out as Chris calls, "See you Saturday!"

Sebastian waves him off and then goes indoors. Well. If they're going to be friends that simplifies matters. He can compartmentalise. It's fine. It's all fine. 

He thinks again that it will definitely simplify things, ignoring the voice at the back of his head telling him that it might just complicate them instead. 

***

Chris gets home that night, flops down on the sofa and screams into a cushion. How could he be so stupid to agree to spend more time with Father Sebastian? But he had sounded so lonely, and it had made Chris think about what a lonely life being a priest must be, and before he'd known it he was agreeing to watch the game at the priest's house. 

This is not going to end well, Chris knows. 

He gets ready for bed and climbed in, his thoughts still on the young priest. He thinks about the way Sebastian's mouth looked when he smiled, and suddenly his mind supplies a mental image of those lips wrapped around his cock as Sebastian looks up at him with those big, blue eyes...

Chris pulls his hand off his cock in horror. It's one thing to think a priest is hot, but another entirely to touch yourself thinking about them going down on you. That is definitely in the region of majorly sinning, Chris thinks. 

He rolls over onto his side, trying to ignore his hard on, trying to will it away, but to no avail. Finally he sighs and relents, touching himself as he brings to his mind's eye fantasies of fucking and of being fucked by faceless, anonymous men. 

He takes out the lube and puts some onto his fingers, spreading it around before reaching down and playing with his asshole as he strokes himself. He bites his lip as he slowly starts to finger himself, really getting into it as his orgasm builds and he imagines someone else doing this to him, someone with dark hair and blue eyes...

As the anonymous figure morphs into the priest, his hand stutters on his cock as he gasps and comes all over himself with a groan. He lays there for a moment, catching his breath and cursing himself, before getting up and padding through to the bathroom to wash his lube and come covered hands. He catches sight of himself in the mirror above the sink and curses. _Stupid, stupid_. This can't happen again. 

He's definitely going to hell. 

His sleep is restless that night, and when he goes into work the next day Jeremy's eyes widen when he sees him. 

"Wow, Chris, you look like crap," is his greeting, and Chris smiles wanly. 

"Yeah. Didn't get much sleep again last night," he replies, yawning, and Jeremy looks concerned. 

"You sure you're okay to see patients today?"

Chris nods. "I'm fine. I am, I promise. Now come on. Time to get ready and face another day."

***

Sebastian finds himself starting to get into the routine of his new parish quickly. Since he's now got past the first Sunday service it feels like it's all plain sailing from there. Except for the Chris problem, which Sebastian is emphatically not thinking about. 

Except of course Chris is coming round today to watch the game and drink beer, and Sebastian is really starting to regret inviting him. 

It's just that...what he'd said to Chris is true. He does hate watching sports alone, and he really doesn't know anyone else here yet who'd be appropriate for Sebastian to just hang out with. There are other younger guys in the parish but Sebastian hasn't met any of them yet so his options are limited. But aside from all that, Chris is a genuinely nice guy, and one that Sebastian really does want to hang out with. 

It's all very confusing. 

Chris arrives at one thirty on the dot with some fairly decent beer. They exchange a grin when Chris hands it over, then Sebastian is leading him through to the living room, putting all but two of the beers in the refrigerator while Chris makes himself comfortable on the sofa. 

They open their beers and tap them together, before they both take a long swig. Sebastian tries not to watch the way Chris's throat works around the liquid, and only fails a little bit. 

He's got bowls of chips and dip out on the coffee table, and Chris grins at him. 

"Man, if you're going to be this good a host you might never get rid of me."

Sebastian smiles and ducks his head. "Can't watch football without snacks," he says shyly. 

He switches on the TV to the right channel where they're showing pregame crap, and Chris scoffs. 

"Man, I hate this. Talk talk talk, nobody cares what you think, just show the game already."

Sebastian laughs. "Impatient much?"

"It's just so pointless," Chris says, waving his hand emphatically. "You can't predict who's going to win with all your statistics, so why bother trying except to give these guys more airtime and justify the exorbitant salaries they get paid?"

Sebastian's eyes widen. "You've given this a lot of thought, huh?"

"Eh," Chris shrugs. "It just bugs me, is all."

"Patience," Sebastian chuckles. 

"I guess you're a pretty patient person, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, when you're a priest you sort of have to be, you know?"

"I can see that," Chris nods. "So you really wanted to become a priest from middle school, huh? Were your parents religious?"

Sebastian shakes his head. "Not at all. I mean, my parents divorced when I was a little kid, but my mom's not religious, and neither is my stepdad, so it came as kind of a surprise to everyone when I started going to church by myself, then when I left high school I told my mom I wanted to be a priest."

"I honestly don't know how you do it, man. I just..."

Sebastian grins. "You're talking about the whole no sex thing, aren't you?"

Chris blushes. "Well, yeah, I mean...it can't be healthy!"

"It is what it is," Sebastian shrugs. "Priests abstain from those kind of intimate relations to feel closer to God. And lust is one of the seven deadly sins," he adds, his tone more serious than he'd meant it to be. He smiles and tries to lighten the mood. "But most priests I know got it all out of their system before they took holy orders."

"Most? Did you?"

"Oh look, the game's starting," Sebastian says evasively. Chris gives him a searching look, but Sebastian's eyes are glued to the screen and soon enough Chris looks away. 

Sebastian suppresses a sigh of relief. It's really not a question that he wants to answer, because the truth is...

The truth is that Sebastian had lost his virginity just before he went to the seminary, with a guy that he'd been sort of seeing for a while. It had been good - great, even; they'd spent the night learning each other's bodies before finally falling asleep as the sun was rising - but when Sebastian had awoken all he had felt was guilt. Guilt that he'd succumbed, guilt that he couldn't give Max what he wanted, guilt that he wasn't going into the priesthood pure, guilt that it hadn't even been a woman, guilty, guilty, guilty. 

Frankly, it's not something that Sebastian wants to talk about. 

Chris is a little quiet as they watch the game, so Sebastian tries to draw him out by making comments about this pass, or that decision by the referee. It seems to work, because soon enough Chris is engaging, making his own comments and reacting when something exciting happens. 

He's beautiful when he laughs, but Sebastian is not thinking about that. 

***

It's not until about a third of the way through the game that Chris starts to relax and find himself actually having a good time. Father Sebastian is funny, and friendly, and before long it's like they've known each other forever. Eventually Chris laughs. 

"I keep forgetting that you're a priest, and then I see the dog collar and remember," he confesses. Father Sebastian gives him a wry smile. 

"Is it weird?" he asks, and Chris doesn't need him to clarify what "it" is. 

"Not really," Chris says. "I mean, you must be about the same age as me..."

"I'm thirty four," Father Sebastian cuts in. 

"Yeah, so you're only a year younger than me. Mostly it's just like hanging out with a regular guy, except I mind my cussing."

Father Sebastian chuckles at that. "You don't have to, though. Except for taking the Lord's name in vain," he adds, shaking his finger at Chris. "But seriously, Chris, I'm not going to get offended by some cussing."

Chris shrugs. "I don't know. It just seems...disrespectful?" 

"If my bishop was here I'd agree, absolutely. But I'm serious, Chris. Don't feel like you have to hold back any part of yourself with me."

And Chris wishes it was that easy, he does. But there's so much he has to keep back from the priest that he can't reveal. Like the fact that he's bisexual, or his epic crush, both of which are pretty much guaranteed to land him straight in hell. He doesn't need a priest to tell him that. 

Chris has had a lot of issues trying to conflate his sexuality with his religion. It's not easy, considering that Catholicism considers any sexuality that isn't straight to be an abomination, but he's made a kind of peace with it. He mostly dates women, more an accident than by design, but in a way it's easier. He's not had a boyfriend in about four years, and the last guy he dated thought it was weird that he attended mass. 

Chris's parents know he's bi, and they're not militant Catholics - they accept him for who he is and just want him to be happy. But Chris gets the feeling that if he told Father Sebastian then their whole dynamic would change, and Chris really doesn't want that. 

So he stays silent, instead turning his attention back to the game. 

By the time the game finishes they've finished the six pack Chris brought and most of the chips, except a few stray small ones at the bottom of the bowl. Father Sebastian glances at his watch, and Chris smiles. 

"Somewhere to be, Father?"

"Vigil mass, at some point," Father Sebastian explains, and Chris nods. He'd forgotten about that. He stretches and yawns, before standing up. 

"Well then, Father, I'd better leave you to it."

"Okay. And...thanks, Chris. For coming over today."

The priest looks so adorably shy that Chris is hard pushed not to shove him against the nearest hard surface and kiss him breathless, but he restrains himself. Barely. 

"Hey, not a problem. Any time, I mean it. I had fun." A thought occurs to Chris and he smiles. "In fact, if you're free next Saturday you should come over and I'll barbecue some steaks and we can just hang out?"

Father Sebastian hesitates for a moment and Chris wonders if he's screwed up somehow. But then the priest grins. 

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Awesome! You got a pen?" Father Sebastian hands him a pen and a scrap of paper, and Chris scribbles on it for a moment before handing it back. "That's my address. If you aim to get there about midday, we'll eat about one, and you can tell me all about New York."

"It's a deal."

"Okay. Going now. I'll see you tomorrow, though, Father."

Chris smiles and leaves, getting into his car and banging his head lightly against the steering wheel. He's not sure what possessed him, he's still crushing pretty hard on the priest, but he figures ultimately that being friends with him is a good idea. Might even mitigate the crush when he gets to know him better. 

***

It's two months later, and Sebastian has moved into a new circle of hell altogether. 

He and Chris have become good friends - best friends, even - spending all their Saturdays together. They watch sports, play video games, and one memorable Saturday even shot hoops outside Chris's, and Sebastian figures he'll have the image of Chris in his sweat soaked tshirt going for a slam dunk for the rest of his life. 

They're friends now. They are. But it doesn't stop Sebastian from wanting. Doesn't stop him from having to take cold showers every night and thinking about burning for all eternity until his erection wilts and he can finally sleep. He's nearing the point of a nervous breakdown, and there's no one he can turn to. 

He hates this stupid crush, hates that it makes him less of a priest, a lesser man of God. But he can't bring himself to hate Chris. Because Chris is a good man, a better man than him; besides, it's hardly his fault that Sebastian is having these...feelings. Chris had never shown any sign that he reciprocates Sebastian's crush, has never been anything but a friend to him. 

It takes him by surprise, then, when it all changes. 

Summer has already turned to fall, and the leaves are lying thick on the ground. He and Chris are in Sebastian's back yard, raking up the leaves into piles, when Chris stops and wipes his brow. 

"Remind me again how you suckered me into this?" he laughs, and Sebastian suppresses a grin, saying with a deadpan expression,

"I promised to pray for your eternal soul."

"Hmm, yeah, that's not really good enough for the amount of hours I'm putting in."

"I also offered you beer," Sebastian reminds him. 

"Oh, yeah. In that case, cool."

Sebastian chuckles, and as Chris passes a large pile of leaves, he can't help himself, and tackles Chris into them. Chris yelps, then laughs as they tussle in the pile of leaves, until Chris has him pinned. 

They're both laughing as Chris holds him down and Sebastian struggles to move, but then suddenly Chris isn't laughing any more as he gazes down at him, before leaning down and kissing him. 

Sebastian's brain shorts out for a few moments, unable to move or kiss back or do anything except lie there, stunned. Then Chris pulls back, looking completely stricken, stammering out a garbled apology before jumping up and running into the house. As Sebastian finally managed to move and is getting to his feet, he hears Chris's car door slam and then the screech of tires as he pulls out of the driveway. 

Sebastian touches his tingling lips, then walks into the house, still in a daze. He goes through to the living room and sits on the sofa, before his head drops into his hands and he lets out a muffled sob. 

He just doesn't know what to do. He's never been in this position before, never wanted one of his parishioners who it seems, God help him, wants him back. 

He's in turmoil, his faith sorely tested, and there's only one thing he can think to do. 

Grabbing his keys, he heads out to his recently purchased car, and starts to drive. 

When he arrives at the bishop's house he gets out the car and raps smartly on the door. He hears a rattling coming from inside before the bishop answers, smiling wide when he sees Sebastian standing there. 

"Father Sebastian! What a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?"

"I..." Sebastian begins, then he feels the tears embarrassingly well up and spill over, and the bishop looks at him with concern before pulling him into the house. 

He drags Sebastian through to the living room and sits him on the sofa, before handing him a box of tissues and sitting in his own chair, leaning forward and patting Sebastian on the knee. Sebastian wipes furiously at his eyes, managing to get himself under control and smiling weakly at the bishop. 

"Sorry," he says thickly, but the bishop shakes his head. 

"Don't apologise, my dear boy. Do you want to talk about it?"

Sebastian shrugs. "Not really, but I think I need to." He sighs, wondering where to begin. "One of my parishioners kissed me," he says finally. 

"Ah," the bishop says knowingly. "But why does it bother you so much that she kissed you?"

"It bothers me," Sebastian replies slowly, "because _he_ kissed me and I...I wanted him to."

"Oh my dear boy," the bishop sighs kindly. "What a conundrum. I think you should tell me exactly what happened."

And so Sebastian does. He tells him how he'd been attracted to Chris from the moment he saw him, but that he had made every effort to not feel that way. He tells the bishop about how they became friends, how easy it was, because Chris had never shown any sign that he reciprocated Sebastian's feelings. Finally he details the events of the day, the horrified look on Chris's face when he realised what he had done, the way his kiss had made Sebastian feel complete in a way that he's never felt before. 

By the time he's finished he feel a little light headed, and also a little terrified, but the bishop's eyes are kind. 

"This is something you've struggled with, isn't it?" the bishop asks, and Sebastian nods. 

"All my life. I know I'm an abomination according to the church, because even if I don't act on my desires they're still a part of me and I can't..." He trails off in frustration as the bishop tuts at him. 

"Father Sebastian...you need to stop punishing yourself. You can't help the way you were made."

"But the bible...the _church_...says that..."

The bishop sighs. "I know what the church says. And I've never been entirely sure that I agreed with it." Sebastian gapes at him. "You're not the first priest I've met who has struggled with this, and you certainly won't be the last, although I confess that your situation is a little more complicated. As far as being gay goes, if that's the way God made you then who are we to question His will or His plan for you? Besides, we're told to 'judge not, lest ye be judged', and frankly I think there's too much judgement in the church for my liking."

"That still doesn't help me with what I should do about Chris," Sebastian says dully. 

"No, that's something you're going to have to work out yourself. You're going to have to do some serious soul searching about what is stronger within you - your love of the priesthood or your feelings for this Chris."

"My love of God, you mean."

"No, Father Sebastian, that is _not_ what I mean. If you truly love God then whatever path you take makes no difference. There are many ways to serve."

"But if I leave the priesthood to go into a relationship with a man then the consequences..."

"If you really care for him then hang the consequences," the bishop responds sharply. "Love is a powerful motivator, and God is love. So if you love this man - and I mean really, truly love him - what's stopping you from finding God some other way?"

"Love?" Sebastian says, surprised. "I hadn't..." 

"Then you'd better, because there are no take backs, Father Sebastian. If you make the choice to leave the priesthood to be with this man and you change your mind at some point there is no going back so you'd damned well better be sure."

Sebastian nods. "I guess I've got some serious thinking to do."

"You have indeed, and I don't envy you one bit," the bishop says gently. "But might I suggest you don't rush into anything?"

Sebastian nods, before getting to his feet. The bishop stands too, clapping him on the arm. 

"You know where I am if you need to talk."

"I do. Thank you, Anthony."

The bishop smiles wide at the use of his given name. "You're very welcome, Sebastian. Now go with God, and good luck."

Sebastian leaves with determination in his heart. He's got a big decision to make. 

***

The next day is Sunday, and Chris calls his mom first thing to tell her he's sick and he won't be there. It's a lie, of course - he's not sick really. Except for how every time he thinks about kissing Father Sebastian - kissing his _priest_ \- he feels like he might throw up. 

He can't face him yet; can't look in his eyes and see the rejection there. Oh he'll be kind, Chris knows, but rejection it will be. How could it be anything else? If he'd kissed back even a little...but he didn't. He'd just lain there, probably shocked. 

Chris feels awful, and most of it is guilt that he's put his friend in this position. It's not fair, on either of them. But he's put all his cards on the table now, so really he just has to wait and see if Father...if _Sebastian_ comes to him. 

Every day during that week, Chris is obsessively checking his phone, but there's nothing. No texts, no calls. Nothing. Chris wonders what Sebastian's thinking - surely if he was angry or offended he would have told Chris where to go by now? But then of course he's a priest, and it wouldn't be the done thing. Or at least, then, he could have let Chris down gently instead of ignoring him. 

By the time Thursday rolls around, Chris feels like he might come out of his skin. He can't wait any longer, he's just not that patient, so he picks up his phone as soon as he's home and dials Sebastian's phone. 

It rings and rings, almost long enough to go to voicemail, but then Sebastian answers with a hoarse, "Hey."

"Um. Hey." They're both silent for long enough that Chris has to give a short laugh. "This is ridiculous," he says, half to himself. "I'm so sorry about. About what I did. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."

There's silence again at the other end of the line, then Sebastian sighs. 

"Chris, I. I can't talk about this right now. I'm sorry. I have a lot going on and. This really isn't a good time."

"Is it because of me that it isn't a good time?" Chris asks quietly. 

Sebastian makes a slightly strangled noise. "I just. I can't do this, Chris," he says, his voice almost a whisper. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

And just like that he ends the call and Chris is left staring at his phone. 

His eyes fall on the parish newsletter sitting on his coffee table, and as he reads through, a plan forms. He needs to get Sebastian to talk to him, and this is the only way he can think to do it. 

Saturday night, after vigil mass, Chris sneaks into the church and joins the short line in the pews outside the confessional. He's the last one there; no one else comes along after him, which is pretty much perfect for his plan. 

After what seems like an age - and seriously, how many sins do these people have? - it's Chris's turn. He goes in and sits down, knowing that he'll be pretty much unrecognisable until he speaks. But when he tries, something chokes him. 

"Hello?" Sebastian says, and suddenly it all spills out. 

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," Chris begins, and he hears Sebastian gasp. "It's been six weeks since my last confession."

"I don't think..." Sebastian begins, but Chris just keeps talking. 

"I've sinned, Father," he says, voice cracking. "I've lied, to myself and to others. I've lusted after someone I shouldn't. A man. And I've..." Chris falters. "I've. I've fallen in love with my priest who I know can't care for me but I thought he should know that I love him because it hurts. It hurts every day knowing that I might have hurt him, or made him hate me because I made a mistake."

Chris is crying now, hot tears spilling down his cheeks, when he hears Sebastian sigh. 

"Chris. I don't hate you. I could never..." Chris hears him take a few deep breaths. "I couldn't talk to you because I needed a clear head - I had to think. Because what you may not understand is that the priesthood is my life. It's all I've ever known as an adult and..."

"I'm so sorry," Chris chokes out. 

"Stop saying that. All I've done this week is think about you, and this situation, and pray for guidance. Because I..." Sebastian pauses and Chris can barely breath. "I've fallen in love with you too, but I wasn't sure if that was enough."

Chris's eyes widen and he scrubs at his face with his hands. "I don't understand," he says quietly. "What do you mean you've fallen in love with me?"

"I've been falling for you pretty much since we met," Sebastian replies with a short, humourless laugh. "And I've fought it every step of the way, but some things...some things can't be fought. And I can't fight my feelings for you."

"But...but your vows...you're a priest!"

"Chris, I'm so in love with you I can barely breath when I think about you. Do you honestly think I could bear to see you Sunday after Sunday? Or move away where I'd never see you at all? I can't run from this."

"I don't know what you're saying...what are you saying?" Chris asks, dazedly. 

"I'm saying that...if you want us to be together, then I'm willing to...to leave the priesthood. To begin a new life with you."

Chris feels joy bubbling up in his chest, but it's mingled with fear. "But I mean, what will you do? Will we stay here? Won't that be awkward for you?"

"Chris, I'd live anywhere with you, but yeah, staying here would be kind of awkward. I guess ideally I'd like to go somewhere else, but you've got your dad's practice here and I don't want to force you out of that..."

"I don't care. I can get a job anywhere, places are always looking for dentists. We'll move anywhere you want. Vegas. Indianapolis. Miami. Wherever you want to go."

"Well, I was more thinking some other part of LA," Sebastian laughs, and Chris can't help but smile. 

"Anywhere you want. Anywhere, Sebastian, you name it and we'll go."

"Say my name again," Sebastian says fiercely, and Chris smiles even wider. 

"Sebastian. Sebastian. I love you. Move in with me and make a scandal and then we'll move away from it all, start again somewhere new. We'll go to Hollywood and I'll be a dentist to the stars."

"You're crazy."

"You love it."

"I do," Sebastian says, and Chris can hear the fondness in his tone. 

"So, uh, what's my penance?"

"Come home with me and kiss me."

"Yesss," Chris hisses, and gets up so quickly his head spins. He exits the confessional and almost bumps into Sebastian as he comes out his own door. Sebastian laughs and grabs his hand, pulling him through the empty church and out the door, down the side path to his house. He lets go of Chris long enough to unlock the door and then pushes him inside, following him in and shutting the door behind them. 

Chris turns around to speak, but before he can say anything, Sebastian is pushing him against the wall and kissing him. Chris moans into the kiss, shifting slightly so he can kiss back. The kiss deepens quickly and the first touch of Sebastian's tongue against his feels like a homecoming. 

"Fuck, Sebastian," Chris mumbles against his mouth, and he pulls back far enough that Chris can look in his eyes. 

"What do you want, Chris?"

"I want...I want whatever you're willing to give me," Chris says firmly. 

Sebastian nods. "I think we should probably wait for...that," he smiles, blushing a little. "I've got to tie up some loose ends first."

"Anything you want is yours," Chris replies, meaning that more than he's ever meant anything in his life. 

"Can I meet you at your place later?"

Chris nods, and Sebastian leans in to kiss him again. 

"Okay. I'll be over later. I love you." And oh god, Chris is never going to get tired of hearing him say that, but he gives him one last kiss before leaving and driving home. 

***

Chris is barely out the door when Sebastian is picking up the phone and dialling the bishop's number. He answers on the third ring, jovially booming a greeting down the phone. 

"Anthony? It's Sebastian."

"Sebastian, my boy, good to hear from you! You've been in my prayers this whole week. Have you come to a decision?"

"I have. I have to follow my heart."

"And I take it your heart is leading you to Chris?"

"Yeah," Sebastian admits, and it's like a weight has been lifted off his chest. 

Anthony sighs. "I won't say I'm not a little disappointed. You've been a damn fine priest, but I know you'll find some other way to serve the Lord in your new life."

"You know I will," Sebastian says fondly. 

"I'm going to miss you, my boy. Will you stay in Pasadena?"

"I doubt it. We're going to end up creating a bit of a scandal so probably best if we don't stick around for too long."

"Very wise. And I take it you're not too keen on taking mass tomorrow now you've made your decision?"

"I...I hadn't really thought about that," Sebastian admits. 

"I tell you what. I'll drive down tomorrow morning and take the mass for you. I won't tell anyone why. The word will get out soon enough. It's going to be hard to replace you, for more reasons than one, but I wish you all the best. And if you like, do stay in touch and let me know how you get on."

"I'd like that very much," Sebastian smiles. 

"Okay, then. That's good. Well, I'd better go and prepare a sermon. Go with God, my boy."

"Thank you, Anthony," Sebastian replies, his eyes welling up. "And God bless you."

He ends the call and takes a deep, shuddering breath, before heading upstairs to his bedroom. He takes off his dogcollar and puts it down beside his bed, ignoring the way it feels like he's been stabbed through the heart seeing it lying there and knowing he will never wear it again. 

He closes his eyes briefly, then grabs a grey sweater, pulling it on over his shirt, and grabs his keys before leaving the house. 

He decides against taking his car - it'll only make the parish talk faster if they see his car at Chris's all night - and walks the fifteen minutes to Chris's. 

When he arrives, he stands outside the door for a few moments, steeling himself, before knocking. Chris throws open the door almost before his hand has left it and pulls him inside, slamming the door shut and pulling him into a deep kiss. 

"Wanted to do this for so long," Chris admits when they break apart, gasping. "Wanted you for so long, oh my god, Sebastian, I can't believe it."

Sebastian brings a hand up to cup Chris's cheek. "Believe it," he says softly. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. But in the meantime, I think you should take me to bed."

Chris's eyes widen. "Are you...are you sure?"

"I'm pretty fucking sure," Sebastian laughs, grabbing Chris's hand and pulling it down over his erection. 

"Language!" Chris laughs. "If I'd known you would be like this I would have kissed you sooner."

"Well, I'm not a priest any more," Sebastian says, trying not to let any regret colour his tone, "so anything goes."

Chris gives him a measured look, before leaning in to kiss him again while stroking Sebastian's hard cock through his pants. Sebastian moans into Chris's mouth as Chris begins to pull at his clothes. 

"Shouldn't we head through to your bedroom?" Sebastian laughs, and Chris nods, taking his hand and leading him upstairs to a large, airy bedroom. They look at each other for a long moment, then as if by agreement begin to strip each other. 

It's awkward, not least because Sebastian hasn't done this for about sixteen years, and all his fingers seem to have turned to thumbs. But soon enough they're naked, and Sebastian feels like his skin is on fire when Chris pulls him into an embrace, their hard cocks rubbing together. 

"What do you want?" Chris asks, and Sebastian takes a deep breath. 

"I want you to fuck me. I want you inside of me. I need to feel...I need you."

Chris kisses him again briefly, before leading him over to the large bed. Sebastian climbs on, and Chris follows, then reaches over and grabs a condom and a bottle of lube out of the bedside cabinet. Chris squeezes a large dollop of lube into his fingers before spreading it around. 

He reaches down and starts playing with Sebastian's asshole, shifting so he can kiss Sebastian at the same time. 

"I'm going to make this so good for you," Chris murmurs against his lips, and Sebastian nods. He trusts Chris. 

Then Chris is pushing in the first finger, and it feels strange, like a half remembered dream. Chris takes his time opening Sebastian up, slowing down whenever he sees Sebastian wince in discomfort, and speeding up when he cries out in pleasure. When Chris finds his prostate and begins rubbing against it Sebastian almost comes on the spot, only just managing to hold back. 

Before Sebastian can process it, Chris is pulling out his fingers and rolling on the condom, before spreading lube all over his cock and positioning himself. 

"You ready?" he asks, and Sebastian nods. Chris leans down and kisses him as he starts to push in, and the pressure is nearly unbearable for a few moments. It starts to ease as Chris pushes inside, and then Sebastian feels Chris's hips against his ass and he remembers to breath again. 

Chris pauses, and Sebastian tries to relax. When he feels himself adjust to having Chris inside him, he nods, and Chris slowly starts to move. Sebastian looks up into his eyes and smiles up at him, feeling as though his heart is fit to burst with all the love inside it. Then Chris shifts slightly and Sebastian is seeing stars as Chris hits that spot inside him on almost every thrust. 

He knows he's not going to last and brings a hand down to stroke himself, something he's not done since he became a priest. But it's just like riding a bike because it all comes flooding back to him as he touches himself, and it's not long before he can feel his orgasm building. 

"Chris, fuck, love you, I'm gonna..."

"Yeah, do it, wanna see you come," Chris bites out, and leans down to kiss him as Sebastian falls over the edge, coming hard. He lays there, completely spent, as Chris fucks into him a few more times before stilling, groaning out Sebastian's name. 

Chris pulls out gently and ties off the condom, throwing it into the waste paper basket beside his bed, before leaning down to kiss Sebastian deeply. Sebastian kisses back a little desperately, and Chris pulls back. 

"Any regrets?" he asks, looking nervous, and Sebastian smiles. 

"About you? Never."

***

"You sure you've got everything?" Robert asks, and Chris nods. 

"Yeah, everything but the kitchen sink."

"And you'll drive safely in that big van?"

"Dad, we're only moving like an hour away. We're going to be fine."

Eventually they manage to get away, driving south towards Long Beach. Chris looks over at Sebastian and smiles. The last couple of months have been difficult for them both, facing a lot of judgement and scorn from the community. Having the bishop backing them up has helped a lot, but Chris is still glad they're moving away some place new. 

Not that it really matters to him where they end up. As long as he's with Sebastian, that's all that matters to him. And when Sebastian looks back at him, love shining in his eyes, Chris knows that no matter what, it was all worth it.


End file.
